Category Archives: Is This A Kissing Book

My Objectified Dozen

It is no secret that I love Magic Mike and am super stoked for the sequel. When declaring these feelings it came out that although I find Channing Tatum attractive and see his appeal, he does not make my “top 10”. Even (bad) feminist Roxane Gay approves of having such a list. When called out to name my actual list, I struggled narrowing it down to 10. Hell, I actually struggled to narrow it down to 20, but I think I have a strong dozen here that my imagination loves to dream about. When I started looking up individuals, their ages became apparent and well now… I guess I have some more daddy issues than I thought I did.

1. Bradley Whitford (55) – No not just Josh Lyman (though yes that character makes my heart flutter) but honestly I will gladly watch ANYTHING Mr. Whitford is in (this was a surprise gem that is worth your time if it is still available on Netflix) even when he has a jarring mustache and plays a ridiculous character. He is from Wisconsin and was married for a long time to Jane Kaczmarek (from my hometown!) which only makes him more attractive to me. When a friend got married she notified her husband that she expected a free pass if there was ever an opportunity to run away with or sleep with Tom Hanks. I think Bradley Whitford is my guy.

2. Jonathan Frakes (62) – Historically my #1. I watched a TON of Star Trek TNG as a child and bearded Riker was my genuine poster heartthrob the way NKOTB and Mark-Paul Gosselaar were for my peers. It was a joke around the neighborhood growing up and later when I reconnected and dated someone from my childhood as an adult, he had a photo cake with a smiling Will Riker made for Valentine’s Day as a surprise. It was really hot.

3. Eric Dane (42) – McSteamy. Even playing a gay man in Valentine’s Day movie could not dampen my attraction to this man. A FWB knows about this fantasy I harbor and has encouraged role playing at times. So steamy.

4. Joshua Jackson (36) -Team Pacey forevermore. I am also thoroughly enjoying him in The Affair.

5. Glen Hansard (44) – Another ginger in my top 5! I am going to see him (again!) on Valentine’s Day next week and I am so excited. Amazing voice, kind heart, ginger beard. (also he loves Kopp’s custard.)

6. Matt Damon (44) – Everyone who hears about this automatically says his name like in Team America. I don’t care. He is a cutie pie and has many attractive personal qualities too. Plus Good Will Hunting.

7. Alan Rickman (68) – Perhaps Hans Gruber is a throwback to my childhood and where my love began. All I know is that I would probably do anything for this man if I was lying next to him while he whispered in my ear.

8. Joe Manganiello (38) – BIG DICK RICHIE and one of the only redeeming characters on True Blood.

9. Ben Affleck (42) – So much hate exists for Ben, but I am a fan. Slow. Astronaut. Walk. (oh plus ridiculous singing. I do this for J whenever he has a trip. He loves it. Of course he does.)

10. Mandy Patinkin (62) – Sure my love began with The Princess Bride (Oh how I would love to run my fingers through that hair.) but it continues with Homeland. Papa beard does it for me.

11. Wil Wheaton (42) – Another Star Trek (and Stand By Me) childhood throwback, but damn this man has only improved with age (again with the beard!) and I enjoy his tweets about puppy dogs and burritos immensely. Also this.

12. Colin Firth (54) – Of course he rocked it in Pride and Prejudice (even if the wet shirt remains a conspiracy), but an all-around solid choice in a variety of viewing pleasures.

Notable mentions: Mark Ruffalo, Chris Messina, James Spader, Stephen Colbert, George Clooney, Taye Diggs, Jimmy Fallon, Heath Ledger, Jon Bon Jovi, and Richard Dean Anderson.


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At Year’s End – 2014

I wanted to do this while I was off of work, but every time I thought about cracking open my laptop I had guilt about not checking work email. The formatting is wacky and there are not as many links and pictures as I would like, but I need to just put it up and move on. I went through these (questions courtesy of RA) before looking at last year’s and am not sure if I am relieved that my pants also didn’t fit last year or if I am horrified by the realization that it has been SEVERAL years since I have owned properly fitting pants and I gained weight once again. Anyway, here are some thoughts on 2014.

  1. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    I turned 34 this year and in traditional fashion celebrated over multiple days (birthday week is TOTALLY a thing. A thing that is fantastic.) The weekend before I got one-on-one girl time with Caryn who helped make multiple birthday treats (I chose a non-frosted bday cake this year. Very strange.) and attended a work function at the zoo as my +1. On the actual day I went out to lunch with some coworkers – two were actually off so it felt extra special that they came out. We also ordered a scandalous pitcher of margaritas (which they filled me up on and then drove me back to work.) That evening I requested dinner at one of my favorite restaurants with Jesse. I don’t think he was very familiar with tapas style dining, but since we already eat off each other’s plates to begin with it was a lot of fun sharing all the food. Plus when I was indecisive between two cocktails he ordered one of each so we could try them both. The next day I had dinner with my parents – dad grilled my favorite salmon with mango salsa and although Jesse didn’t join us, he rescued me with a phone call to meet him for drink later on. That weekend I got to celebrate with Hillary and J.R. They got a sitter for their kids and we played minigolf before heading downtown. We ate glorious Cuban food, got tipsy, and walked around down by the lakefront in the beautiful weather. Afterward we headed back to their house and had a bonfire. It was one of the finest birthdays I can remember.
Let's just call this ungodly stomach a combination of food baby and exceptional poor posture. My love for the hated orange beams continues evermore.

Let’s just call this ungodly stomach a combination of food baby and exceptional poor posture. My love for the hated orange beams continues evermore.

  1. What are your strongest memories from this year, and why?
    My shitty, shitty boss finally being let go after causing more than a year of misery. Also making it to the 15-year mark with my company and getting an extra week of PTO.

Well my car dying in the middle of the freeway for no-known reason, really sticks out. Still have not resolved the “need a new car” issue, but thankfully that incident has not repeated itself.

Posted every day in February. Perhaps I will do that again.

Friends had to put down their beloved dog far too soon and it was devastatingly heartbreaking. I was overjoyed when they were able to welcome a new furry friend into our lives.

Before Jesse left on his abroad trip we went out for dinner. I typically order the mac and cheese at this place and mentioned a desire to get something else, but I still really felt the pull of wanting the mac and cheese. When our server came back he ordered the mac and cheese along with an appetizer mentioning they were “for the table.” It was just the two of us and it was super cute.

June was one of the biggest clusterfucks of a month I can remember in the last couple of years between a scary biopsy/whirlwind surgery/waiting for results and J being overwhelmed with an abroad class and generally acting like a terrible companion when he finally returned. Stress, fear, and sads are all hard to get through and there were many days I didn’t know how I was going to get through that trifecta. I am sure my tweets from that period are horrific and whiny, but it was the support system I could work with at the time.

My mother completed a triathalon through a breast cancer survivor study. My mother. OMG I am still incredibly proud that she stuck with all the training and COMPLETED this. I am in such awe.

This is my MOM. I cannot get over how awesome this was.

This is my MOM. I cannot get over how awesome this was.

Being bored and buying a bunch of eye makeup to play with at home that resulted in the STY that did not go away for more than 8 months.

Wedding season – we had 3 weddings in August and September and although Wedding Jesse is tons upon tons of fun, 2 out of 3 weddings were for his family and the level of appropriateness I needed to display as the new girlfriend was pretty exhausting (not to mention the caretaking and patience involved in handling Wedding Jesse.)

Some day he might learn to hold his liquor.

Some day he might learn to hold his liquor.

Getting to wear my dirndl for Halloween this year!

Lucky I had the dirndl or I would have had to buy a Ghostbusters uniform like everyone else at the party.

Lucky I had the dirndl or I would have had to buy a Ghostbusters uniform like everyone else at the party.

We made Christmas trains again. Last year Jesse brought over a rice krispies treat train kit and it was ridiculously fun. We had his brother and sister-in-law over this time to join in the festivities and it lived up to all the fun of last year.

Nicki Express makes her return as N2! (even if there are interloping Js this year.)

Nicki Express makes her return as N2! (even if there are interloping Js this year.)

  1. What did you do this year that you’d never done before?
    I had surgery under local anesthesia/spinal block. It saved thousands of dollars and alleviated some of my fears about going under (I do not do the best coming out from general anesthesia.) but after the anxiety of experiencing all the sounds of surgery I have no idea what I would choose if given the choice again. (Assuming my doctor would let me have that choice again, which now, probably not. Perhaps I would stick with the cost-saving local, just teamed up with a couple of shots of bourbon and a few unisom tabs for less… awareness?)

I was also not sick at all for Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year’s for the first time in 34 years. I really wish I knew the secret to this so I could follow exact protocol forever and ever.

  1. What did you want and get?
    CLEAR MARGINS! The above mentioned surgery was sprung on me with no real notice or time to (over) process it or the preliminary results. Then due to illness and a breakdown in communication between my doctor, her medical assistant, and the Independence Day holiday it was almost 2 weeks to find out the official all clear afterward. It was not a fond time, but I got the best results I could possibly get and I am hopeful 2015 will not be a repeat.

A house that didn’t flood. I am forever thankful I rent and am not responsible for fixing flooding issues, but it was a nice respite to not have flooding in 2014 after the previous 2 years. Let us not speak of the drip I felt from the shower ceiling just before Christmas. That was obviously a fluke of condensation from an exceptionally steamy shower.

A working microwave! In lieu of flooding, my (built-in) microwave took a shit (I would bet money that the previous year’s flooding humidity caused issues to the circuit board) and would only work sporadically and even then in less than 90 second increments. A microwave is not mandatory, and sure I could have bought a cheapy one to get by, but when I have no counters to begin with, and it is IN MY LEASE, and broken for the better part of a year, it became a stubborn sticking point with my landlord. Anyway, the point of this was YAY I finally have a working microwave and it is wonderful.

Fergus Falls Otter T-shirt! After a failed mission to acquire this when we were there in August, Jesse made it a mission to find them on a return trip and surprised me (and his sister-in-law) with them at Christmas. I squealed with delight.

  1. What did you want and not get?
    A new car. (pitiful savings went to surgery bills)

A suitable non-hormonal birth control method. (humanity is terrible.)

6. What would you like to have next year that you didn’t have this year?

A planned vacation with Jesse that involves real time off of work and does not factor in attending a wedding obligation. (To be fair I understand that when you work full time and take an abroad class for a month, it is not kosher to take an additional vacation.)

  1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Well I am unable to even say what my new year’s resolutions from last year were (or if I even made any) so I don’t hold out much hope that I have kept them. Although I embrace the #HoarderLife hashtag and have made many trips to Goodwill this year, I would like to be better about getting rid of the things that do not serve a meaningful purpose in my life. (To be fair, a back up VCR serves a meaningful purpose. Ratty contingency underwear that enables me to delay laundry responsibilities does not.) I’d like to be kinder in my daily demeanor and actions. I want to more often ask how can I help make something better and work to make improvements instead of just grumbling about some injustice. These resolutions are not quantifiable, but I am okay with that. I have to-do lists to track my tangible goals and tasks.

(Apparently I resolved to make a list of resolutions last year, but I am doubtful that was ever done. If it had been done it probably would have included writing more about my Germany trip and I really failed at that.)

  1. What was your biggest achievement of this year?
    Loyalty to a company that may not deserve it. Okay that doesn’t sound like a crowning achievement, but after everything that went down in 2013, when the company began making worthwhile personnel and leadership changes in 2014 I really wanted to give them a chance to see things improve. The company will never be what it once was and I have made peace with that. I don’t know what the coming year will bring, but I am proud of staying even if it sometimes feels like the easier path than making a change. (Looking back at last year’s I had something similar, though it was out of stubborn resistance to outlast a shitty boss and a few short weeks later he was gone!)

I paid off $6,500+ in medical bills in less than 6 months. (goodbye entirety of my savings and overwhelming majority of discretionary spending) This would not have been possible without some surprise commission, but I will count it as a personal achievement nonetheless since that bonus commission was earned, and it was simply a surprise I was actually getting it.

Forging a worthwhile and redeeming romantic relationship with a stranger I met online dating (who had every reason to call it quits after our first date.) Even when I am picking on Jesse and being astonished at how he has gone through 36 years of life thinking some are okay (which are definitely not okay) I am thankful every day to have him in my world.

  1. What was your biggest failure?
    I lost a friend this year and there are reasons and failings and confusion, but most of all I just feel wrongfully accused and abandoned and it hurts.
  1. What did you rely on when you were overwhelmed?
    Twitter. During my worst times I did not call upon my support systems for reasons both righteous and arbitrary and that was really hard (and pretty stupid.) An Ex who has given me no reason to think he would be upstanding on my behalf really came through for me when I reached out and I was thoroughly touched (along with once again feeling the classic sad thoughts that we have never found/ will never find a way to work out.)


  1. What are your strongest recommendations for entertainment from this year? (books, television, movies, music, etc)

My reading this year was abysmal and often I struggled to read one book in a month for book club.  Notables from that were Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay, Wild by Cheryl Strayed, and The Fault In Our Stars by John Green.  My favorite (non-bookclub) book this year was Tell The Wolves I’m Home by Carol Rifka Brunt  (notable mention awards to Me Before You by JoJo Moyes, The Light Between Oceans by ML Stedman, and Attachments by Rainbow Rowell) Again, these are well-discussed books almost all of which did not come out this year. I am not breaking ground promoting them, but simply nodding yes and adding my appreciation. I received books by Amy Poehler and Lena Dunham for Christmas that I cannot wait to dive into and will assume they will make next year’s list.

I think this year saw the fewest trips to the movie theater since I have had the autonomy of movie viewing decisions. Since Jesse is a giant party-pooper whenever I suggest going, I am thrilled to have made a new friend who likes going to see movies. We have gone twice so far and it is outstanding. Also, we received a DVD of This is Where I Leave You from Jesse’s parents for Christmas and I recommend it. I heard the book was really good and I might look that up even though I feel weird about the reverse order of seeing the movie first. It was not breathtaking or phenomenal (okay maybe Jesse actually watching a movie I asked to see was) but overall very enjoyable. We did not get to watching it until 2015, but since we received it in December and it came out in 2014, I am counting it. Go watch it.

As for music, I am sad to see the end of Yellow Ostrich, but so glad I got to see them in 2014. Field Report came out with Marigolden and it was thoroughly enjoyable to go to my favorite record store to purchase a physical copy and pour over the liner notes. I also received Wilco’s Alpha Mike Foxtrot rare tracks box set for Christmas. I haven’t been home enough since then to listen to all four discs over and over yet, but so far I am thrilled with experiencing the ebb and flow/distinct releases of a band I admire but cannot consider myself a die-hard fan of by any means.

  1. What song will remind you of this year?
    Well, Take Me To Church by Hozier  became a running joke as the radio would not stop playing it every hour and now we have bets on whether we will hear it every time we get in the car. (I did not link to YouTube as the video is pretty violent.)

Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off is exceptionally catchy and due to some behind the scenes circumstances it makes me smile every time I hear it because of this local video.

  1. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year (not necessarily from the song that reminds you of the year).
    “Don’t you think it’s time to change
    And maybe become a better you”

“Karma” by Lady

  1.  What was your most enjoyable purchase?
    I bought myself Jeff Tweedy tickets as an early birthday present. Although Jesse is not a fan, he followed decent boyfriend behavior and came with me (on a weeknight!) The concert was at my favorite Milwaukee venue and it was worth every penny of the stupid online surcharges to get tickets during the pre-sale.
  1. Did you travel? If so, where?
    Went to Baltimore to see a dear friend get married and stayed an extra day to visit with my cousin and her hubs. So delightful and I am still thinking about the delicious biscuit (bigger than my hand!) that we got at the Farmer’s Market. Natalie and Paul also introduced me to the Fargo miniseries, which was one of my favorite TV shows this year.

Roadtrip with Jesse to Fergus Falls (western Minnesota) for his cousin’s wedding. Lots of driving, lots of giant animal statues, and lots of alcohol. It was outstanding and I love his family.

I wanted to take him home.

I wanted to take him home.

Geneva, IL spa trip to the Herrington Inn with Mom. Even though Mom threw out her back the day before we left (rolling a giant rotting pumpkin FTW) we managed to have a great time. I was pampered and spoiled and rubbed. Another excellent year of our mother-daughter overnight tradition.


  1. What do you wish you’d done more of?
    Action. Follow-through. Enacting Change. I spent a lot of time this year feeling hopeless and that circumstances were being done TO me.
  1. What do you wish you’d done less of?
    Hmmmm, my first thought is perhaps less stuffing my face as I am at least 10 pounds heavier this year and most of my pants don’t fit.
Worth it.

Worth it.

  1. Compared to this time last year, how are you different?
    I am trying really hard to improve my communication and be more upfront in admitting when something is bothering me or my feelings are hurt. This is also my first relationship without the responsibilities of a dog so my house is not the default. It is an adjustment to compromise on where to spend time, so I am trying to live up to the personal belief that when it truly means more to one person, that person’s vote is weighted heavier. Basically it is very strange to not be the one with the superior bed.
  1. Compared to this time last year, how are you the same?
    Sometimes I am too outspoken and stubborn when I know that I am right and frustrated that others do not agree (A charming trait, I know.) I still love to make a giant mess in the kitchen and have a fridge full of food, though I am begrudgingly increasing the frequency of going out to eat when that is what someone else wants to do. Dear god I still love to sleep a lot.
Sleeping alone is overrated. Always better with a bear.

Sleeping alone is overrated. Always better with a bear.

  1. What’s a life lesson you learned this year?
    It is really hard to sustain constant outrage in our society. There is always the next terrible thing around the corner to divert attention.

Puppy Hugs Snoopy

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Mistaken Lyrics

Someone famously sings along in the car without knowing the lyrics, so when I sent him this article about a whole genre of music filled with oooo-ahhhs that he typically likes,  his immediate response was, “Eddie Vedder is impossible to understand anyway so you can just make up your own lyrics and can’t be wrong.” This got me thinking about all the songs I don’t know the lyrics to but sing anyway. (Also I am disappointed along with half the internet that no clip exists of the ancient SNL Wayne’s World skit on mistaken lyrics) It is kind of sad that with a changing of significant others, my exposure to My Morning Jacket has diminished, because I had entirely different song lyrics to Circuital based on Sookie from True Blood, and now I can’t remember all of them.


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When You Get What You Want

“I think it’s actually kind of cute the way you whine about not getting your way.”  It was one of those random lines in an email years ago when a relationship was new-ish and those kind of attributes are remarked upon as cute and endearing, only later to be thrown back in anger and frustration when the novelty wears off. The little things that turn into trouble and cause hurt feelings the 400th time you argue and/or silently fume about them.

I have taken a lot of flack from family and friends for “putting up with” a lack of compatibility (apparently obvious from the outside?) in some of my relationships. “I don’t want to date my clone!” I have always remarked. There are so many things I dislike about myself, it would be unbearably annoying to have to love them in other people. Then again, wouldn’t life be that much easier if my partner saw things the same way I do? This is when that adage about being careful what you wish for, because you might get it, rings true.

Here are a few of those little things (that I could not understand why they were made into big effing deals when dating someone with the opposite view) that I have come to question my own stance on now that I am dating a more like-minded fellow:

Bedtime cuddling – I am a snuggler. Or at least I was, until I met a man that takes it to a whole different realm. I have no interest in pillow sharing or entwined limbs overnight. A quick comfort embrace or snuggle up spooning during the night is totally acceptable and with my tendency for nightmares (and throwing elbows), I am certainly guilty of such things. I have a high tolerance for snoring. Breath in my face or being trapped under heavy arm or leg is unacceptable.

Bathroom commingling – I was raised in an open door household and was astonished to learn that there are some people who will close and lock the bathroom door when home alone. Those habits are hard to kill, and I have appalled many people by not shutting the door to take care of #1. I can never understand the couples on HGTV who cannot possibly be expected to share a bathroom with each other, yet my current situation (of anything goes regardless who is in the bathroom doing what) clearly illuminates why bathroom doors were made with locks. Being called out on my previously passive stance on the matter has brought on an unprecedented complication of shy bladder to this gal when confronted with a boyfriend who stands in the room talking to me while I am sitting on the toilet.

Plate sharing – Oh boy this one is a doozy for me. A stubborn refusal to split plates led to a nasty fight and one of my worst dates, (It has not made it onto here in the Bad Date Files yet because I am still so dumbfounded and angry about it 2 years later) so I was pretty blown away to be offered unsolicited bites from my current companion right on our second date (at the same restaurant as the aforementioned Bad Date no less.) I love that each other’s selections are discussed prior to ordering and I cannot imagine a (er, another) relationship where I am forbidden from tasting or splitting his food, but the new-found ability to steal fries whenever I want also has a downside. It requires reciprocity and that often means what would be my leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch becomes fair grazing for someone else.

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Haven’t Killed It… Yet

I have officially kept it alive for 7 days. I am sure its days are numbered, but for now it is continuing to make me smile every morning while I eat my cereal and procrastinate having to go to work. Even if someone holds a view of cut flowers being impractical, he still manages to come through with something pretty.

Plant o' mystery

Plant o’ mystery

As it was completely unmarked so I have no idea what it is and what kind of environment it prefers (well besides the hothouse I am sure it was grown in). I shall blame lack of instructions (not my complete ineptitude for plant upkeep) for when I kill it sometime next week.


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Weekend Recap: Cheated Out Of Moping

Now that the dread from that date has passed hopefully things can get a little brighter around here. Or at very least back to sharing terrible dating stories (of which there are still PLENTY.) Well, also as bright as they can be when I am still buried under 14 tons of snot. Headcolds blow. I adore my best friend’s children with all my heart, but damn I could sure do without their germs and getting sick every single time I see them. Being sick and depressed, I was fully prepared for a weekend of couch moping, but that was not to be the case. I guess the tradeoff for not being alone on Valentine’s Day is that I have to contend with other people’s opinions. The nerve.

Since I was spoiled with fancy New Year’s Eve plans, I thought I would attempt to contribute and offered to make dinner for Valentine’s Day. When I made this offer, I already had lunch plans with coworkers and thought of taking a half-day afterwards to prep a special meal for us. This did not happen because of some deadlines at work, but I still managed to squeeze out shrimp cocktail, scallops (with israeli couscous because there is no way I was going to ruin my beloved scallops pairing them with yucky cilantro) and ice cream. Hell, my house was even more than halfway clean (as long as we can exclude the spare bedroom’s piles behind closed doors) so all in all, very accomplished considering how awful I felt.

On Saturday after a breakfast of dessert fruit waffles I was fully prepared to put on sweatpants and nap/mope on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. Sadly that was not to be. Someone insisted on leaving the house. After being completely uncooperative and rejecting a whole bunch of ideas (seriously though, no. When I am feeling blue about my dead brother I do not want to go look at corpses) I was told the shitty winter weather has cooped us up for so many weekends and we were leaving the house today to do something and I should just get in the car. Well then.

We drove around and ended up down at the lakefront to see the frozen-ness and then headed west. He has been looking at some different houses to move closer towards the freeway/city, so we popped around to see a few of those before he pulled into a bar’s parking lot. Really, really? I felt it was enough to even sit in the car for this, but I tried to humor him and went inside. There were some unattended kids shooting darts near our table (in case we forgot we were in Wisconsin) so we made some jokes about my childhood and people-watchingly wondered to whom who these kids drinking redbull (!) belonged. Eventually I agreed to play and although I held no hopes of winning, I did well enough to at least keep him on his toes for a couple games. The last thing I wanted to do that day was sit in a bar, but he kept me laughing and let me pick our pizza toppings.

I am still harboring a bit of a grudge to be cheated out of my couch time, but I am possibly willing to admit that getting out of the house was beneficial for me. Plus, I got a massage gift certificate so I really can’t argue with his good intentions.

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Bad Date Files: Tables Are Turned

I have barely scratched the surface of the Bad Date Files, but in honor of the holiday of romance and my belief in equality I thought I would admit that I can make a pretty bad date as well. I have been accused (both in and out of the dating world) of being standoffish and slow to warm up, and when hearing these things multiple times it gets harder to deny. Part of the reason I like turning to online dating is that meeting so many new people forces me to face these issues of mine over and over again. Despite all my hard work on improving the initial image I present, I have miles to go. So let’s review the incredibly awkward beginning of my current relationship, shall we?

After a few rambly emails (seriously, I can carry on about nothing for paragraphs and oh, I did)  and a couple of phone calls we decided to meet. It was clear from the start we were not on the same page when I casually suggested drinks and he suggested… a haunted house. Instead of acknowledging that one of us was clearly being more creative, I kind of flipped out and said that screaming my head off would make a horrible first date. We decided on a fish fry (Wisconsin rocks).

I got to the restaurant first and put my name in the wait list before heading to the bar to sit down and order a beer. He had texted that he was running a couple minutes late so I texted back that I was there waiting at the bar. I was engrossed in the basketball game when he entered and touched my shoulder. I was quite startled and due to his extreme height, my flailing elbow came mighty close to a delicate region. To save face let us just declare I hit him in the thigh because I really can’t bear the thought of the other option. When we were called for our table he let me walk first and did that nice touch on the back, which of course I accidentally recoiled and jerked away from. Smooth.

At the table we ordered second beers and as soon as I started on mine, my bladder decided to protest. So, first date with a stranger you met on the internet, sitting down at a restaurant, do you take your drink to the bathroom with you? I had no reason to suspect this kind, friendly person of any malicious acts, but having “protect your drink” drilled into you and the horror stories of internet predators are not easy to dismiss. Needless to say I most awkwardly got up to excuse myself, smiled and tried to lightheartedly joke I couldn’t leave my drink unattended and walked through the dining room with my beer to the bathroom.

By the time our meal came things were looking up, or so I thought. He was really easy to talk to, even though we don’t have a ton of shared interests (outside the few that got us to connect in the first place.) It was about halfway through dinner that my stomach started to protest. Not sure if it was the quick beers, the greasy food, or nerves, but the combination was not pleasant to my insides. I got up to excuse myself again (and took my drink with me, again.) I am positive I was in there far too long because by the time I got back he had finished his dinner and was reading stuff on his phone. I continued picking at my dinner, but there was no way I could finish.

I was feeling pretty terrible about myself blowing this date with a really nice guy, and wondering if maybe online dating was a mistake. Never-ending commentary on spinsterhood has to be less embarrassing than this. He paid the check and even laughed at my less than subtle look at his credit card in an effort to catch his last name so I could do more background research (why I didn’t just ask him is beyond me.) Then he wanted to know what was next and if we should go grab some ice cream. I didn’t know how I could manage to eat anything, but I wanted him to know I was interested and didn’t want to part like this, so I agreed. After declining his offer to drive over there with him (cue scary music in my head) we made our way over to Kopp’s. He got the raspberry flavor of the day and I got my standard chocolate. I made a joke about his choice and learned he is allergic to chocolate. (WHAAAAAA?) I should have known better than to get a cone. Between my protesting digestive tract and nervously talking my head off, I could not stay on top of the melting custard. It was dripping and getting everywhere and definitely not in a sexy way. I swear I went through more than a dozen napkins and I cannot imagine how crazy sloppy I seemed.

We walked back to our cars and he asked for a parting hug and wanted to get together again. I was fully expecting rejection and I was so happy I somehow had not completely turned him off. YES. I would get a chance to see him again and make a better impression next time! Well… maybe not. I was completely hungover for our second date. I still don’t understand how I was given a third try, but I am grateful that I was.


Filed under (I Like Parentheses), A Whole MONTH, Is This A Kissing Book