There’s Hair Everywhere

I have no idea what to do with my hair. As someone else in my life seems to have very vocal opinions on its length, I have taken that under consideration over the past year partly under an effort to be nice and partly under pure laziness and inability to actually do something about it. He complains often about hair shedding, but I refuse to listen to such things. I shed like crazy and if long twisty hair on every surface is so bothersome, I am more than happy to buzz cut it. (I dream of a world devoid of hair style options, despite knowing I would look hideous showing off my lumpy head.)

I do not have a great track record with hair stylists. For most of my life my hair stylist was my former Sunday school teacher, Mindy. (Also visited by my mother and grandmother, now her daughters work in the salon too – legacy, sunrise/sunset and all that…) She is overpriced, but her willingness and talent at perming my hair gave her lots of leeway. Mindy threatened to never perm my hair again after one in 1997, though I begged for one before a backpacking trip in 2003 and she obliged complete with major eye roll over the un-trendiness that defines my existence. Then in 2006 she contacted me about a free perm if I would sit for longer (beyond the 3+ hrs it normally takes to roll my hair) while she demonstrated on me to other junior stylists in her salon (many of whom had not done a perm since graduation). I was excited for the freebie and to sit for her and be fawned over. The entire salon was disinterested and downright rude, plus Mindy still charged me her insane rate for the pre-perm haircut, which felt like a bait and switch after I took a half-day of vacation to sit for hours. The real breaking point came a few years later when guilt-ed into giving her another chance (via gift certificate from my mom) Mindy cut my hair in the once fashionable wedge shape with it shorter in the back  (ear length) and longer in the front (chin length), despite my insisting that is an un-maintainable style for me (who must have hair off of my face). That wedge only looks good when doused with product, blown out, flat-ironed, and not pinned back – all things I rarely manage. After a couple weeks of stringy, chunky hair tucked behind my ears, I went to a walk-in chain to have it evened out.

A few things about my hair and lazy lifestyle:

  • although I have a lot of hair, it is super fine in texture with minimal volume
  • my hair is neither straight nor curly, more like frizz that turns stringy if you look at it wrong
  • my hair will slip out of braids, buns, and non-friction clips or ties
  • my hair has never been colored or highlighted
  • hair product (#YesAllProduct) makes it immediately look greasy
  • showering at night only works for when I need greasy hair for a formal updo
  • I have never personally blow-dried, curled, or flat-ironed my hair successfully
  • I do not have a standard side or middle part and fail at keeping a part intact for the day
  • I cannot stand hair in my face – it must be pinned back.
  • Ponytails give me headaches

My established looks are to perm my hair – a basic coating of mousse and air dry (lazy person’s dream – just spritz to refresh), french braid my hair (doable but slips out under any sort of exertion), or put half up in a barrette. The last of which has been my standard for 25 years  though I’ve endured constant mother criticism for grade school appearance for it. Last winter I started taking the front forehead section and pinning back with a bobby pin which seemed to fit my requirement for no hair in my eyes while appeasing her with a deviation in style.

Since the breakup with Mindy, I have had my hair cut either from salon gift certificates won somewhere or walk-in chain stores. I had one promising stylist that was convenient, reasonable, and agreeable, so of course she moved away. I aim for getting a haircut 4 times in a year, but it seems to be closer to 2 or 3 lately.  I have no idea how to style hair – I fail at mimicking a blow out at home and this same lack of coordination carries over to curling irons and flat irons as well. Plus I cannot even pretend to not care as I can’t stand it pulled back into a ponytail for more than 20-30 minutes.

I feel hopeless and defeated, but got some inspiration from twitter this afternoon and I may try some new products and velcro rollers. Surely it has to go better than last winter’s experiment with eyeliner that caused a persistent sty for 10 months. Well at least better than my chances of some day winning the lottery and finding someone who can be my personal assistant for vacuuming and blowdrying.

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Filed under Of Course This Is About Me This Is My Blog, Uncategorized, Wishful Thinking

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