Monthly Archives: April 2014

Confusing Girl Clothes

The conversation started because of this photo of a student barfing during a speech competition.

Me: Wow, that is definitely more embarrassing than the time I lost my skirt during a forensics performance.

Him: How do you LOSE your skirt?

Me: Remember those long floral skirts in the 90s (he is unaware of the lingering fashion hoard in my closet) well mine had an elastic waist. One time I was performing and the blocking had me sitting on the floor. When I  went to leap up I was standing ON my skirt and it fell to the ground and I tripped.  Thank goodness I was wearing underwear. Still, at least I’ve never puked in front of everyone. That’s so sad.

Later that night we were driving and the conversation started back up again.

Him: I still don’t understand how you could have been standing on your skirt.

Me: It was long.

Him: Like a dress?

Me: No, a long skirt.

Him: I’m confused. Isn’t the cutoff for skirts at the knee?

Me: What?

Him: Long is a dress.

Me: Are you kidding me? Do you actually not know what the difference is between a skirt and a dress?

Him: Above the knee is a skirt, below the knee is a dress.

Me: <much laughter, perhaps a bit beer-induced> The defining characteristic between what makes something a dress or skirt has nothing to do with the hemline.

Him: Are you done laughing yet? Are you going to tell me what it is?

Me: How do you not know this?

Perhaps I feel a little bad about writing this all out just to poke fun at him (again) so I will also share that on Friday night I had so much wine I zipped my hair in my coat and started crying. I don’t think that makes us even, but eases the playing field a little.

UPDATE: Goodness gracious it is apparently a FAMILY confusion. Over lunch I was teasing him about this incident and he asked his brother to state the difference between a dress and a skirt. His brother actually answered “length?” I can’t make this up. Thankfully brother’s fiance could commiserate with a shared eyeroll.



Filed under Happy Happy Joy Joy, It's The Penis

Friday Random – Raining Men Edition

Well my head is still discombobulated, but that is no excuse to slack on the blog. It’s Friday and there is nothing more random (for me) than talking with THREE (3!) ex-boyfriends in one week (good grief), so I shall take inspiration from Aaron (continuing the posting even when sick, I bow to you sir)  and just let the random take over while my brain processes the mystery of the Y chromosome.

  • Peeps – as a fan of marshmallow anything, I am firmly Team Peeps. Most specifically, stale Peeps. (Hey I love chewy red vines and day old popcorn, so clearly stale is my thing.) Although I prefer to buy the chicks version of Peeps instead of the bunnies (do bunnies peep? I am confused) the surface area/design of the bunnies make them stale much faster. It is quite a personal dilemma.
  • Honey Maid forever – I was already firmly loyal to the Honey Maid cracker (preferably with peanut butter or cream cheese frosting, but butter also works in a pinch) and this only solidified it.
  • Boycott of the day – Everybody has a soapbox stance on some retail establishment or product and the call to action to boycott based on certain principles and outrage is so common it is hard to keep up sometimes. This article about the Mozilla CEO and the concept of pitchforking consistently definitely made me think and examine some of my own behavior. Does boycotting one thing mean you have to boycott every thing fairly or you are a hypocrite? Is that even possible? There is dirt and controversy over every single thing and there is no way to be consistent and steadfast about it. I hate Walmart’s labor practices, but I still buy string cheese in bulk at Sam’s Club. I believe in unions, but work for a non-union service company. That said, once I have been made aware of something that violates my standards it is hard to rationalize looking the other way. To be fair, even the mention of the word Menards gets me all prickly and my dollars will never be spent there.
  • Parenthood – the TV show fools, not action in my lady bits. Finally a mention of Haddie last night! Granted it was completely in passing, but it was nice to have an acknowledgement of her existence. Still hoping the rumors are true for an appearance sometime soon. Also, I have far more words about Joel and Julia than are proper form for a bullet point.
  • Rick-roll – I am a big fan of the rick-roll, and in addition to the morning version I received on April Fools’ Day, a friend one-upped that and “got me” with a Pat McCurdy rick-roll. I love you Pat and I will always dance.



Filed under Well That's Random

When You Get What You Want

“I think it’s actually kind of cute the way you whine about not getting your way.”  It was one of those random lines in an email years ago when a relationship was new-ish and those kind of attributes are remarked upon as cute and endearing, only later to be thrown back in anger and frustration when the novelty wears off. The little things that turn into trouble and cause hurt feelings the 400th time you argue and/or silently fume about them.

I have taken a lot of flack from family and friends for “putting up with” a lack of compatibility (apparently obvious from the outside?) in some of my relationships. “I don’t want to date my clone!” I have always remarked. There are so many things I dislike about myself, it would be unbearably annoying to have to love them in other people. Then again, wouldn’t life be that much easier if my partner saw things the same way I do? This is when that adage about being careful what you wish for, because you might get it, rings true.

Here are a few of those little things (that I could not understand why they were made into big effing deals when dating someone with the opposite view) that I have come to question my own stance on now that I am dating a more like-minded fellow:

Bedtime cuddling – I am a snuggler. Or at least I was, until I met a man that takes it to a whole different realm. I have no interest in pillow sharing or entwined limbs overnight. A quick comfort embrace or snuggle up spooning during the night is totally acceptable and with my tendency for nightmares (and throwing elbows), I am certainly guilty of such things. I have a high tolerance for snoring. Breath in my face or being trapped under heavy arm or leg is unacceptable.

Bathroom commingling – I was raised in an open door household and was astonished to learn that there are some people who will close and lock the bathroom door when home alone. Those habits are hard to kill, and I have appalled many people by not shutting the door to take care of #1. I can never understand the couples on HGTV who cannot possibly be expected to share a bathroom with each other, yet my current situation (of anything goes regardless who is in the bathroom doing what) clearly illuminates why bathroom doors were made with locks. Being called out on my previously passive stance on the matter has brought on an unprecedented complication of shy bladder to this gal when confronted with a boyfriend who stands in the room talking to me while I am sitting on the toilet.

Plate sharing – Oh boy this one is a doozy for me. A stubborn refusal to split plates led to a nasty fight and one of my worst dates, (It has not made it onto here in the Bad Date Files yet because I am still so dumbfounded and angry about it 2 years later) so I was pretty blown away to be offered unsolicited bites from my current companion right on our second date (at the same restaurant as the aforementioned Bad Date no less.) I love that each other’s selections are discussed prior to ordering and I cannot imagine a (er, another) relationship where I am forbidden from tasting or splitting his food, but the new-found ability to steal fries whenever I want also has a downside. It requires reciprocity and that often means what would be my leftovers for tomorrow’s lunch becomes fair grazing for someone else.

1 Comment

Filed under (I Like Parentheses), Is This A Kissing Book

April Pranking

April Fools’ Day brings out laughs and rage – from those who love to prank and those who HATE the concept with a passion. As long as we can agree that lying is not pranking, I am usually on board. Acceptable public prank: This morning I woke up and in my usual fashion grabbed my ipad and poked around on the internet before climbing out of bed. There was a link about ongoing local story of group expanding their search for investors to bring PBR back to Milwaukee and Daft Punk might be interested. Now had I REMEMBERED it was April 1st, I probably would have laughed even before clicking on the link, but I didn’t and the rick-roll sure brought a smile to my face. Also acceptable – basically turns into The Onion for April 1st. There are always funny stories and the Brewers ones this year are quite amusing.

What is NOT a funny prank? Having an ex contact you about giving your broken relationship another try. This insincerity is never a good idea. Not even in my 20s and his ridiculously immature roommates put the idea in his head. It is an even worse idea when he calls and I am drunk and it sounds like a plausible idea.

So, essentially college boyfriend Mooch (he of the fart lighting and on-again, off-again saga) called me as a joke, but I was too inebriated to comprehend he was kidding and gave serious consideration to the idea. CRUEL. This is where the conversation should have ended with the obligatory “Haha, April Fools! This was simply a mean prank call” and maybe our trajectory would have taken a different path. Of course my agreeing to the idea was never in the (terrible) plan so he doubled-down and on-the-fly lied about the resolution of some of the issues that had led to our last breakup in order to illicit a booty call.

Yes I find it sort of amusing now (in the bewildering realm of how someone you loved could be such an unbelievable jerk), though definitely not the case when I initially found out the phone call was in jest. Years prior, we had broken up and on a lonely night he made a drunken phone call to me which led to a reconciliation. With our history, I can understand where the original (dumb) idea for the prank came from, not that I am agreeing it should have occurred. I am certainly not without fault when it comes to dumb ideas and hurting others (specifically hurting him included).  Obviously in hindsight it would have been preferable to reply “fat chance” at his phone call, and we all could have laughed it off as a ridiculous thought AT THE TIME.

1 Comment

Filed under It's The Penis